Story: It’s Me or Else

I walked hurriedly along the roofed pavement. The evening was tainted by heavy torrential rain, quite common this time of year. As I briskly scurried along the wet, slippery street, I tripped and fell. I hurt my ankle and a silent cry came upon me. “Is this all worth it?” I wept. Is a quick romantic tryst with a married man really worth the effort and now, the pain in my ankle? Who was I in Jamie’s eyes? My muffled sobs continued, and the questioning voices in my head lingered.

Finally, I reached Hotel De’Ville. Jamie had good taste; it wasn’t a seedy hotel at a sordid part of town. De’Ville was tasteful as well as luxurious. The entrance and grand lobby welcomed guests in such an elaborate manner, with 1- feet high wooden doors, and Langkawi marbled floors that shone brightly, catching perfect silhouettes of those treading upon it. De’Ville hotel was 5-star with a doorman to greet you and usher you in. I felt special, but was I really special? This clandestine affair has no standing in the eyes of Jamie’s family and friends. I realised I did not exist in his life, not properly.

I walked up the staircase to the first floor, pacing to and fro along the corridor. Jamie’s room number was 107. I passed by room 101, 103, 105… then I took a few steps back to 103, 101 and found myself standing in front of the lift. I felt my throat dry, and my eyes welled up in tears. I was overcome with embarrassment at the fact that I was having an affair with a married man. Almost sobbing, I placed my hand over my mouth. “I can’t do this. I can’t do this,” I whispered to myself.

Ting! The elevator doors opened and there stood Jamie. He stared straight at me and carved a surprised smile. “Why are you standing here?” Quickly, he scooped me right at the waist and carried me to room 107 like a newly-wedded bride about to experience her first night.

My anxiety calmed the moment he kissed me and then I found myself melting into his arms. Jamie pushed me to the bed, and our intimate intercourse was set in motion. He kissed me violently this time, held both my hands and strongly pressed himself on top of me. He enjoyed it, and so did I.

After the act, Jamie cuddled me, caressed my hair lightly. He kissed my neck and stroked my back, moved his head near my ears and whispered, “She knows.”

She knows.

I did not know how should I respond to this revelation. A part of me felt relieved that finally I have, no matter how detestable it was, a status in Jamie’s life. His mistress? His girlfriend? His lover? Oh, I hoped that I owned the title, the love of Jamie’s life, superseding the legal wife and solidifying my position in Jamie’s life.

I looked away from Jamie’s gaze as he embraced me with his warm body. I wondered whether he was happy that his wife knew, as that would mean no more philandering behind her back, no more denying the obvious evidence of my presence in his life. He could come clean and stare deathly at her face and admit, indeed, there was another woman in his life. He could declare to her that he loved me and no longer loved her. But would that be true? Would that be something that he would ever say to her?

“What now?” I asked Jamie, hoping for a firm resolve to follow his revelation. He kept silent and gave me a peck on my cheek. Was it so difficult to decide to be with which woman? I wanted to insist on him making his decision right then and there, after all his ambivalence had left me in limbo for many months already.

There’s a turmoil of emotions within me which I could not assuage. I desperately wanted to be with him, properly and openly, but does he actually want the same thing? His silence was deafening, as waited for the ideal answer that would please me coming from his lips. I asked once more, “What now?” as I insisted on him being mine or else…